Dear Diary (K)

I've had a resurgence of grief in the last few days. It's almost like the closer we get to normal around here, the more I am aware of her loss. I'm sure part of it has to do with Halloween - we'd been trying to think of paired costumes since February. We toyed with Link and Zelda, and a picture I came across of a little girl as Link (although I imagine we would've had Owen be Link and Keira be Zelda!) made me lose it yesterday. As much as I have felt that it's not the right thing for me, I'm thinking I may look in to a support group - it's just tough to decide if I should find a group online, so I can keep it with me when we move back to CO, or something in person because I'm pretty starved for adult contact.

I've read about some other people's experiences with a lost twin, and I was surprised at how often I found an almost identical story (no pun intended? but they were fraternal anyway). One woman even had a similar writing style as me, so it was bizarre to read my own history, in my tone, with different names - down to the nurse who stayed with her from the moment they confirmed the death, and the pictures being taken too late. She and I even agreed that the people who try to pretend that the lost twin didn't exist - they won't mention her name, they won't ask how we're coping, they never even offer a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" - those people hurt (after rereading this, I figured I should clarify - it's not that we want you to ask about her every time we talk, but this is in regards to the folks who've ignored her existence since her death). I'm so thankful that for the most part, those close to us have not fallen in to that group. I know that it's an uncomfortable topic, and I really appreciate people having the strength, or compassion, or whatever quality it is to talk about her.

A number of families said that they were happy to have the opportunity to hold both of their twins at the same time. This is not something we were able to do, as Owen needed resuscitation shortly after being born and then was whisked away to the NICU. I wish I could've held them together, since I had carried them together for 6 months; I wish Adam could have held them together, since he didn't even get what I had.

And in every story, I see pressure to get over it quickly, as though having a surviving child means you don't get to mourn the lost one. It's so easy for others to just see us as new parents and forget that at the same time, we are grieving parents.

Sorry for being a debby downer. There's something refreshing about writing this down. Maybe I don't need that support group after all.

On a related note - while Owen was in the NICU, I learned about Australia's "R U OK?" day (http://www.ruokday.com/). Follow the link - I think it's a great movement. Not everyone has an outlet, so please take some time to ask someone you care about how they're doing, and then take the time to really listen to their answer.

And before anyone panics, I'm ok. Blue, but ok.